What was once normal becomes extremely uncomfortable. Thoughts begin to rush in, paranoia begins to surface, and the next thing you know you are standing in the middle of a crowd – and you’re the only one that doesn’t fit in. It’s like a wave sometimes. Like a wave of misinformation, misunderstanding. It’s as if no one else could possibly get it.
Only I feel it, everyone else is normal, they don’t have these feelings; these thoughts.
Being thrown out into the unknown, watching people change, wishing things were the way they used to be. You never know how good you had it until it’s gone. Once it’s gone it’s all you can think about. Why couldn’t I focus on that good while it was here? All I saw was the negative, the bad, the annoying. But now that I’m here, those times look so priceless, like I could remember them forever.
Why does my brain decide to pull back those memories that make me wish things were different? How is it possible that I actually want my life to be where it was before?
It’s not possible.
When I close my eyes and think about where I am I see a bit of emptiness where these tidal waves of thoughts used to be. I try filling them with self-love, positive thoughts and good food but I still sometimes end up feeling empty. Because I can’t forget about the past.
So stay present, right?
I wish I could. But the present moment seems so boring, and my past had so much going on. So much more to think about, more to regret, more to be ashamed of. But even then I wish things were different, I wish the past was different. I wish that I could morph the past into what I want it to be. Almost like if I think about it enough, my memories will change and I can create my own past.
It doesn’t work that way.
But that’s what minds do.
Just sitting alone and wondering what to do is enough to let my mind go out on a tangent. It’s ultimately up to me to make the decision whether I want to jump out into “what if” land, or try to be present in my seemingly boring life.
Whatever to do to keep the thoughts away. Those thoughts take me to a place that I once knew far too well. As for my boring life, at least I get to take some peaceful naps and play with cats.